Holding on for dear life

OK so here we are...we did it we took the leap, Pat is unemployed and going to school full time. I am really happy that he gets to fulfill his dream. It's just really hard to be happy for him when I feel so much financial stress, as well as jealousy. My head is swirling with to many emotions for one person to have at a time. I feel this crushing weight on my heart. When will I stop struggling. I am sick of feeling like every ones project. I am really grateful for all the help and prayers we've been the recipients of over the years, but now it feels like all the help comes with strings. Like I've put my self into the position of needing approval before making decisions because if I make the wrong one I may disappoint the people who have helped in such large ways. I just want to have confidence in myself again. There has to be a way to pull myself out of this funk I'm in.

God please give me what I need so I don't go insane during this next 5 weeks!! Please meet our needs so we don't loose the house or car. The bills are starting to pile up help me to keep the right perspective. And Jesus please send me a like minded friend to hang out with. I need another messy mom to talk to . You know me to my core... please I need a friend that is close so we can see each other at least once a week. And help me to be a better mom....I love my babies so much help them to see that shining through all my mistakes.
~K~

All the unknowns

It seems that I am almost always in a stressful situation, I wonder if I create them myself or If I just continue to make bad decisions??? I know that Pat really wants to go to school and get his Class A license but it seems like I'm the only one worried with where the money will come from if he isn't working and if I can't find a job. At the same time I see his point and understand his desire to get out of the job he is in now....So how do I handle all the stress... If I just let him handle all the decision making then we end up in even deeper financial ruin. Because AGGGG he still thinks he can party like a rock star when we have medical bills up the wazooo.... so what should I do. DO I get a job put the kids in daycare, which I said I would never do. I am just so conflicted inside. I just know that something has to change if we are ever going to get ahead in life. I'm sick of feeling like were drowning. I'm scared I'll end up like my Mom so obsessed with saving a dime that I have to have a coupon to do anything. I know thats how she made it through the "lean" years as she likes to call it but really there has to be a balance. When there are so many possible directions how to you decide whats right? My mind just keeps running in circles. I guess here are the choices:
A: Pat keeps working and does the 10 week driving course
pros: he keeps working so less financial strain
cons: he will be working and going to school non stop for 10 weeks with no days off, he won't be done untill mid November when all hiring goes down for the holiday season, it will take longer to complete
B: Pat quits his Job and starts the program Aug 20th
Pros: he can concentrate 100% on his schooling, more family friendly, he will be done Sept. 28th before the snow flies,
Cons: K will have to work, kids in daycare, more financial strain
C:Pat waits till next spring to quit and then takes the 6 week course
Pros: We will have time to save a little for when he isn't working,
Cons: Still struggling to make ends meet at speedee, a long time to wait for school,

Ok this still isn't helping!!!! ARRRGGGG

God I can't do it anymore I am obsessing over things I can't control....Please help us make the best decision for our family.... I want to trust you...please help me to hear you and follow you. help me to respect Pat as I tell him things that he may disagree with., Please open his eyes to the serious situation we are facing. Guide us and give us wisdom. My heart is open and I am trying....I want the control....but I am trying to give it up to you . There is a fight going on, please help me stay strong and continue seeking your will. Thankyou for blessing me with a wonderful family, thanks for all the hugs and love I get every day... when I hear them pray, or talk about you Jesus my faith grows, thanks for all those little reminders!!!! ~K~

Random Questions

ARGGGGGG why do I keep making choices that I regret, and I feel so trapped by my life. I love staying home with my kids, but the financial burden is heavy! And even when I do have a job I can't stick with it. I get so restless with things. I'm not very diciplined. Then I totally regret that I haven't stuck with something to the end. I don't know how to break the habit. I want to be the dependable person. I have started and stopped school three times, and I can never figure out what I want to be when I grow up. How did I get this way? My Dad & Mom & Sister have good work ethics. It's not just "work" either. Its the same way with household chores. I can't seem to keep up with things. It gets so old going through these huge swings from active and productive for a few days to the down swing of being so tired and crabby and not being able to function normally. I feel like all I do is let everyone down. On the down days all I want to do is sleep, I don't even want to talk to the few friends I do have. It dosen't really seem right to have to struggle so much. I love my kids so much, and I just want to be better for them. Here I am claiming to be staying home for them and I don't really do all I should be for them. Its time to be honest about this becauseI need things to change. I'm tired of being stuck. I know that I should be asking God for help and trusting him and all that jazz, but I just don't know how. My life is so much acting how I think the person I'm with wants me to be, I don't know how to be real anymore. I'm not really sure anyone would like the real me. Its such a strange feeling. I just want to be comfortable in my own skin. And if I am always acting, then what does God think of me because he can see everything. He knows all the things I'm trying to cover up. He knows all the lies I've told to make myself look better to others. I'm icky inside.

God please give me the wisdom to know where to start this change....I need to let go, and trust that you are there and care about me....there is just so much stuff to be unloaded.....it feels so heavy....I want to trust, but its hard to give up the control......Please help me....Amen

Jesus Weeps

Some times the answers to life's questions are so simple you just have to laugh. How can I be 27 years old and still not get it. Sometimes I feel like I'm running on a treadmill and expecting to get somewhere duh!!!! Its a waste of energy! I have forgotten how to ask God for what I want. I sure do know how to beg forgiveness and grovel for needs but what about what I want. What about being happy, having friends, a satisfying career??? Doesn't everybody deserve those things. Don't I??? I think for a long time I have just sat here and punished myself, looked for those instant gratification type things but never dared ask for something sustaining. It all goes back to those formative years...

After watching my mom go through so many judgmental and empty relationships I have become hard and untrusting. I have also felt the sting of condemnation, and assumed it ment I was damaged goods. I went out seeking affirmation and found it in non Christian friends. I know how to fit in with "those" kind of people. I can curse like a sailor, gossip, drink, smoke. I'm accepted in their crowd. It doesn't matter that I wasn't a virgin when I got married. They don't care that I'm not "active" in my church. I don't have to be perfect. That is my safe place to go when I feel the pain of loneliness or judgment. But after the initial high, I feel the guilt of hiding who I really am in Christ. Why is it that I am so drawn to that place even now. I know the truth, I see the destruction of Satan. I know all those things won't fill the void in my soul. Why can't I move past the treadmill onto the lakeside trail that's heading somewhere.

I think for me the first step is to be angry. To ask the question WHY!!!!!, to move past the fear and shame and really be angry at the people who deserve it. My anger comes out sideways, I get the most mad at the ones who I love most. Pat , Mom, Sarah and Joshua, Lisa(mostly when I was younger). It is so unfair to unleash my emotional vomit (phrase stolen from Ant) on them. When I am really angry at God, Dad, Al, boy I cant remember his name, Mr Bauer from 8th grade, elementary principle, Paul Ratzloff, Crossroads Alliance church, Ant, Grandma L. My heart is racing in rage!!!!!!! I want to punch them all. I want them to know all the hurt they caused me. I want them to know all the tears I cried. Most of them I don't care if I never see them again. A few I really want resolution with. But now I just feel anger.....


So what about God? Where does he fit into this, am I ready to move into my anger at Him, and ask him why? Is his grace enough to withstand my wrath. I struggle with being able to feel his presence, to decipher his words. I think that it's just another sign of the hard, cold wall inside of me. Am I willing to ask for that wall to be broken.

YES I am because God gave me a word, Jesus weeps. In a sermon about how to come along side your children and minister to them, God spoke to me!!!! Just as we weep for our children Jesus Weeps. I was not alone as a little girl, and I'm not alone as a woman He is with me. He is Shedding tears because I was wronged!!! He is angry with a righteous anger stronger than any mans!!!! He did stand up for me and died for those sins against me.


It was so simple Jesus weeps!

Pull Over and Ask for Directions

In my crazy life as Mother and Wife, It seems that I have gotten lost. Strange how one day your walking along thinking gee this is what I want to do with my life and you have it all planned out... Then life happens. Its almost ten years later and I'm left wondering what ever happened to that girl who was gonna change the world. Does she still exist? Where along the road did I decide that all I could be was wrapped up in the kids and Pat. I have felt alone and disappointed for so long I feel dead inside. That youthful spark has long since gone without being replaced by the steady flame of maturity. The ache started subtly at first but quickly progressed into resentment and anger. Now I'm angry at the slow driver in front of me. Angry with the kids if they interrupt me in the middle of something. Angry at Pat for having an opinion I don't agree with . Angry at myself for being angry. I even get angry for no apparent reason. It just sort of bubbles up inside of me and sits there festering. The emptiness also fuels my need to control, I have always struggled with this issue. I feel like I have to be in charge of everything, no one else can be trusted. The weight I impose on my myself can be unbearable.
During the gut wrenching process of buying our house I truly came to the end of myself. I had to come to the realization that this was one situation I couldn't manipulate and control. I had to give the future to God and really seek him. During this time He led me to Crossroads Church and to a great group of wonderful Women. For the first time I feel like there is hope. Maybe I do have a chance to come alive, to figure out what is the root of my anger and control issues. God has led me to a wonderful and difficult place. This is just the beginning -K-