Jesus Weeps
Some times the answers to life's questions are so simple you just have to laugh. How can I be 27 years old and still not get it. Sometimes I feel like I'm running on a treadmill and expecting to get somewhere duh!!!! Its a waste of energy! I have forgotten how to ask God for what I want. I sure do know how to beg forgiveness and grovel for needs but what about what I want. What about being happy, having friends, a satisfying career??? Doesn't everybody deserve those things. Don't I??? I think for a long time I have just sat here and punished myself, looked for those instant gratification type things but never dared ask for something sustaining. It all goes back to those formative years...
After watching my mom go through so many judgmental and empty relationships I have become hard and untrusting. I have also felt the sting of condemnation, and assumed it ment I was damaged goods. I went out seeking affirmation and found it in non Christian friends. I know how to fit in with "those" kind of people. I can curse like a sailor, gossip, drink, smoke. I'm accepted in their crowd. It doesn't matter that I wasn't a virgin when I got married. They don't care that I'm not "active" in my church. I don't have to be perfect. That is my safe place to go when I feel the pain of loneliness or judgment. But after the initial high, I feel the guilt of hiding who I really am in Christ. Why is it that I am so drawn to that place even now. I know the truth, I see the destruction of Satan. I know all those things won't fill the void in my soul. Why can't I move past the treadmill onto the lakeside trail that's heading somewhere.
I think for me the first step is to be angry. To ask the question WHY!!!!!, to move past the fear and shame and really be angry at the people who deserve it. My anger comes out sideways, I get the most mad at the ones who I love most. Pat , Mom, Sarah and Joshua, Lisa(mostly when I was younger). It is so unfair to unleash my emotional vomit (phrase stolen from Ant) on them. When I am really angry at God, Dad, Al, boy I cant remember his name, Mr Bauer from 8th grade, elementary principle, Paul Ratzloff, Crossroads Alliance church, Ant, Grandma L. My heart is racing in rage!!!!!!! I want to punch them all. I want them to know all the hurt they caused me. I want them to know all the tears I cried. Most of them I don't care if I never see them again. A few I really want resolution with. But now I just feel anger.....
So what about God? Where does he fit into this, am I ready to move into my anger at Him, and ask him why? Is his grace enough to withstand my wrath. I struggle with being able to feel his presence, to decipher his words. I think that it's just another sign of the hard, cold wall inside of me. Am I willing to ask for that wall to be broken.
YES I am because God gave me a word, Jesus weeps. In a sermon about how to come along side your children and minister to them, God spoke to me!!!! Just as we weep for our children Jesus Weeps. I was not alone as a little girl, and I'm not alone as a woman He is with me. He is Shedding tears because I was wronged!!! He is angry with a righteous anger stronger than any mans!!!! He did stand up for me and died for those sins against me.
It was so simple Jesus weeps!
After watching my mom go through so many judgmental and empty relationships I have become hard and untrusting. I have also felt the sting of condemnation, and assumed it ment I was damaged goods. I went out seeking affirmation and found it in non Christian friends. I know how to fit in with "those" kind of people. I can curse like a sailor, gossip, drink, smoke. I'm accepted in their crowd. It doesn't matter that I wasn't a virgin when I got married. They don't care that I'm not "active" in my church. I don't have to be perfect. That is my safe place to go when I feel the pain of loneliness or judgment. But after the initial high, I feel the guilt of hiding who I really am in Christ. Why is it that I am so drawn to that place even now. I know the truth, I see the destruction of Satan. I know all those things won't fill the void in my soul. Why can't I move past the treadmill onto the lakeside trail that's heading somewhere.
I think for me the first step is to be angry. To ask the question WHY!!!!!, to move past the fear and shame and really be angry at the people who deserve it. My anger comes out sideways, I get the most mad at the ones who I love most. Pat , Mom, Sarah and Joshua, Lisa(mostly when I was younger). It is so unfair to unleash my emotional vomit (phrase stolen from Ant) on them. When I am really angry at God, Dad, Al, boy I cant remember his name, Mr Bauer from 8th grade, elementary principle, Paul Ratzloff, Crossroads Alliance church, Ant, Grandma L. My heart is racing in rage!!!!!!! I want to punch them all. I want them to know all the hurt they caused me. I want them to know all the tears I cried. Most of them I don't care if I never see them again. A few I really want resolution with. But now I just feel anger.....
So what about God? Where does he fit into this, am I ready to move into my anger at Him, and ask him why? Is his grace enough to withstand my wrath. I struggle with being able to feel his presence, to decipher his words. I think that it's just another sign of the hard, cold wall inside of me. Am I willing to ask for that wall to be broken.
YES I am because God gave me a word, Jesus weeps. In a sermon about how to come along side your children and minister to them, God spoke to me!!!! Just as we weep for our children Jesus Weeps. I was not alone as a little girl, and I'm not alone as a woman He is with me. He is Shedding tears because I was wronged!!! He is angry with a righteous anger stronger than any mans!!!! He did stand up for me and died for those sins against me.
It was so simple Jesus weeps!
posted by Karen at 4:48 PM
2 Comments:
I LOVE your honesty.. i might have said that before. I hadn't come to read this cuz it had been awhile since an update. But, when you said you had read mine, I wondered if you maybe had updated :). no big deal on how long in between...
"Redeeming Love"(the book I was telling you about) really gave me a glimpse into the soul of someone who was wronged as you were. It's so hard to understand from the outside. I can listen and not judge, but I can never completely understand. So, to get different aspects of it, helps to understand better.
we're in this journey of life together- everywhere it goes
oh yeah, and i was just thinking about that "void" in your soul... in everyone's soul... i wonder if it ever will COMPLETELY go away. I long to be closer to God and have Him fill it, but will it ever feel completely filled until we all meet him face to face? I mean, sure we can have days, weeks, maybe (maybe) months where you feel it's filled, but always... I don't think it's human.
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