Random Questions

ARGGGGGG why do I keep making choices that I regret, and I feel so trapped by my life. I love staying home with my kids, but the financial burden is heavy! And even when I do have a job I can't stick with it. I get so restless with things. I'm not very diciplined. Then I totally regret that I haven't stuck with something to the end. I don't know how to break the habit. I want to be the dependable person. I have started and stopped school three times, and I can never figure out what I want to be when I grow up. How did I get this way? My Dad & Mom & Sister have good work ethics. It's not just "work" either. Its the same way with household chores. I can't seem to keep up with things. It gets so old going through these huge swings from active and productive for a few days to the down swing of being so tired and crabby and not being able to function normally. I feel like all I do is let everyone down. On the down days all I want to do is sleep, I don't even want to talk to the few friends I do have. It dosen't really seem right to have to struggle so much. I love my kids so much, and I just want to be better for them. Here I am claiming to be staying home for them and I don't really do all I should be for them. Its time to be honest about this becauseI need things to change. I'm tired of being stuck. I know that I should be asking God for help and trusting him and all that jazz, but I just don't know how. My life is so much acting how I think the person I'm with wants me to be, I don't know how to be real anymore. I'm not really sure anyone would like the real me. Its such a strange feeling. I just want to be comfortable in my own skin. And if I am always acting, then what does God think of me because he can see everything. He knows all the things I'm trying to cover up. He knows all the lies I've told to make myself look better to others. I'm icky inside.

God please give me the wisdom to know where to start this change....I need to let go, and trust that you are there and care about me....there is just so much stuff to be unloaded.....it feels so heavy....I want to trust, but its hard to give up the control......Please help me....Amen