Pull Over and Ask for Directions

In my crazy life as Mother and Wife, It seems that I have gotten lost. Strange how one day your walking along thinking gee this is what I want to do with my life and you have it all planned out... Then life happens. Its almost ten years later and I'm left wondering what ever happened to that girl who was gonna change the world. Does she still exist? Where along the road did I decide that all I could be was wrapped up in the kids and Pat. I have felt alone and disappointed for so long I feel dead inside. That youthful spark has long since gone without being replaced by the steady flame of maturity. The ache started subtly at first but quickly progressed into resentment and anger. Now I'm angry at the slow driver in front of me. Angry with the kids if they interrupt me in the middle of something. Angry at Pat for having an opinion I don't agree with . Angry at myself for being angry. I even get angry for no apparent reason. It just sort of bubbles up inside of me and sits there festering. The emptiness also fuels my need to control, I have always struggled with this issue. I feel like I have to be in charge of everything, no one else can be trusted. The weight I impose on my myself can be unbearable.
During the gut wrenching process of buying our house I truly came to the end of myself. I had to come to the realization that this was one situation I couldn't manipulate and control. I had to give the future to God and really seek him. During this time He led me to Crossroads Church and to a great group of wonderful Women. For the first time I feel like there is hope. Maybe I do have a chance to come alive, to figure out what is the root of my anger and control issues. God has led me to a wonderful and difficult place. This is just the beginning -K-